“Listening” – 12/27/23

From the beginning there has been this dialogue
Between the music already in my head
And muses, mentors; then self-sabotage
I saw Oklahoma when my legs were still dangling
From the piano bench already had melodies
Dancing frenetically in my mind too much for a tiny

Body to contain I’d pound them out and try in vain
To convince anyone who would listen to listen
Then came the chance in real time to emulate, to redefine
That inner voice as something recognizable
Instinctively my inner compass told me
People prefer to hear more of what they know

With a different spin don’t challenge too much
A different version of something familiar is more
Than a crutch it’s a potential new crush
Bragging rights are parents’ told you so fights
Are a best friend’s late nights under the covers
With flashlights the reason I never got enough sleep

Going through my oldest journals it’s obvious now
I was so different wasn’t different at all
Everyone’s the center of the universe at 5, 6, 7, 8
Every quitter grieves they’re unjustly disciplined for
Detaching from something they hate
I hated having to stop, to pull away from that

Gravitational force that was The Source no matter
The voice the mandate to put it down was never welcome
It lacked logic this notion of balance being well rounded
Seemed to go against my innate concept of G-d
I still struggle with this daily - the idea that there
Is a time and place for everything

For focusing on personal responsibility items
From mail to medical care to calling loved-ones
The very act of putting something down I feel
Connects to possibility in a meaningful way
For the sake of the present’s a painful birth
The phone is anxiety incarnate for me these days

I miss that feeling of being a toddler
Legs dangling off the edge of the piano bench
Oklahoma in my ears fireflies in my eyes
Disillusionment decades away
Disconnection still a song
I hardly recognize